I know, it's been a while. There's a lot of reasons why that is. I've been... a bit emotional lately (understandable, I think, given the fact that I'm now 30+ weeks pregnant) and to be honest I just didn't really want to vomit emotional baggage all over this site.
This is a tough transition. An exciting one, but one that takes its toll emotionally and physically and wears me down until I'm unfamiliar to myself. I'm thrilled beyond explanation that every day we get closer to welcoming our son, but this time in our lives has also been full of tough moments and hurtful ones. What I have decided is that people are... not very good at watching their words when it comes to pregnant women. Which really is nothing new, some people aren't good at watching their words around anyone, but let's be honest - a pregnant woman is a particularly vulnerable target.
I'm getting better about it. I'm getting better at fcocusing on my baby and our future together and my loving husband who has been the best partner a woman could ask for throughout all of the ups and downs of this process. I still have my moments, of course, but for the most part... I cry a little and then I move on.
I think part of the difficulty is that this momentous change in our lives is so incredibly OBVIOUS. Strangers stop me in stores to ask me personal questions and give me unsolicited advice. I'm a fairly private person so it's been particularly difficult for me to emotionally handle what feels like constant scrutiny. I don't like being a bug under anyone's microscope!
But right now there's too much to be happy and excited about to let people get me down. And it helps that I've figured out that I need to keep a few things to myself so that I don't have to always feel like my life is on a billboard that I'm wearing around my neck (or belly, as it were). Sometimes walking this line means I feel alone - which I guess is ironic considering these days, I'm never alone, and there's usually a knee in my kidney or fist in my stomach to remind me of that fact.
You know, though, life is good. Some things stink or don't go the way I hope they will or don't follow my perfect plan, but life is good. We're now just 9 short weeks at most from bringing home baby, his room is everything I had hoped for and I spent this weekend with my family celebrating my grandparent's 50 year love story. We have been blessed, both as individuals and as a growing little family, and I am grateful for that.
And I am grateful for all of you. Those of you who care enough to read this site and are interested, even when I disappear for months at a time and reappear with an emotional ramble. I am glad that I have this blog to turn to and I look forward to the day that I can return to it in earnest because I have returned to myself.
I hope that is someday soon.
