Without Regret

This is a common refrain it seems like in our society – people are constantly talking about living 'without regret.'  Like that's a good thing.  Something to strive for.

I think it's impossible.  And really, I think it probably should be.

Let's put it this way – if you get to the end of your life and don't have a single regret – is that a sign that you lived your life absolutely to the fullest, missing nothing and making no mistakes?  No – surely not.  We all have times where we fall short of each of those things even though, ostensibly, they sound like they would be common goals.

So what then does it mean?  Does it perhaps mean that instead you have lived your life in a way that means you questioned nothing, looked back on nothing, and reconsidered nothing?  That is more what it means to me (though, of course, I realize it won't mean that to everyone).  I feel like a life lived without regrets probably just means a life lived with only a modicum of actual self-honesty.

I regret.  Oh boy do I regret.

But not in the way that says 'I wish I could go back and change X, because it would have led me to a different Y' though I realize that of course changing the past could have led to a different today.  It's more that I regret because I now appreciate what those choices meant in the moment when at that point I had no idea. 

For a silly example – I regret my choice of prom date to my junior prom.  Ugh I regret that.  I had three choices actually, two fabulous ones and one that I selected for some reason which I now don't understand (but suspect was based on a completely shallow set of assumptions that ended up being bunk).  And I paid for it too – that was the most boring evening EVER.  So sure I regret but not because in the grand scheme of my life changing that prom date would have changed anything more than the way that one evening turned out.  But I'm fairly certain I would've had a better time.  That would have been nice.  And I'd feel better about it now because the other two choices were, in the end, better people and I let them down because of the way the whole deal unfolded.  And it would be nice not to feel guilty about that anymore.

Part of my feelings about all this has to do with the fact that I am HORRIBLE about self-guilt.  My mom and I were talking about this just this morning – in the context of the fact that motherhood partly equals a lifelong guilt trip.  I torture myself over things and so I can't help but regret because the decisions I made that I wish I could change follow me around with little matching duffels and rolling luggage bags stuffed with guilt, reminding me that my decisions impact others outside myself and sometimes in less-than-stellar ways.

In a way I think that's a good thing – it keeps me honest and thoughtful.  I think about things I did years ago and I wander through the decisions again and consider what it is that makes me cringe even now and what I would choose now to do differently.  And actually more often than not I find that I'm really okay with the choice I made originally, even if it was perhaps a dumb one – but sometimes I realize that I wish I had gone down a different path, for whatever reason, and I regret.

I think maybe what people should say – or at least what I, personally, would rather say – is not that I seek to live a life without regret, but that I seek to live a life such that my regrets are all caused by thoughtless decisions or decisions made without a full understanding in the applicable moment of the whole situation or myself or the other players.  (This in contrast to regrets that spring out of willful, malicious or angry moments in which I make bad decisions because I give over to a side of myself that wants to be unpleasant on purpose.)

Because at least in the way that I, myself, approach my life – I think that a life without regret isn't possible, so it isn't something that I should ever try to strive for.  In a way, I almost want to regret because it means that I understand my life and my screw-ups and I seek to make amends, even if it is just going forward.  So I think I'd rather strive for a life in which my regrets just later make me feel like a goofball or an ass rather than those that might make me feel like a bad person (the difference, for me, being the intent behind the original mistake).

Essentially, I guess, I'd rather be old, looking back on my life and realize that at times I was an idiot but at least I wasn't a jerk.  Or at least not purposefully.

Ha.  Now there's a lofty goal to strive for.  But you know, I like it.  Maybe not as Hallmark-worthy as the more common idea, but these are at least words I think I can live by.