In order to start out on the right full-disclosure note I have to explain the title I have chosen for this little venture of mine and properly give credit where credit is truly due. A Merry Recluse is the title of a collection of essays by Caroline Knapp - one of my favorite authors. I discovered her work in college (through her book Appetites) and immediately devoured all of her published works that I could get my hands on. It was as if all of the thoughts in my head had suddenly appeared in print (and I was initially more than a bit indignant that I wasn't receiving any of the royalties).
The appellation A Merry Recluse is the title of a particular essay in the collection in which Caroline (at that point 38, single and loving it) realizes she has forgiven herself for her love of solitude. In her kitchen, making dinner for herself, preparing for an evening alone, she realizes that she is 'a merry recluse', quite contrary to all of the connotations of sorrow, loneliness and despondence which that term normally holds. She is happy to be by herself in her apartment and decides to quit apologizing to society-at-large for enjoying her own company.
I have been thinking about this essay lately as I have tried to rediscover myself in moments of solitude. I find that I am the best version of myself when I have been able to spend copious amounts of time alone. I love my husband and enjoy his company but I have decided that in these early years of my marriage, I have too often neglected, or even felt guilty for, my need for seclusion.
As he prepares to return to school this week, I find myself in great anticipation of evenings spent at home alone while he is on campus, reveling in the freedom from having to be worthy to be someone's company (a self-inflicted expectation I tire of). I have signed up for a painting class, and joined a book club, but I am most excited about those times when I can be alone in the quiet, painting, reading or writing.
I decided, then, that this would be a fortuitious moment for my long-contemplated reappearance as a member of the blog nation. I want to give myself a reason to spend time writing, as well as a reason to truly direct my focus to discovering all manner of things worth writing about. When I think back on the years when I was dedicated to my previous blog, I realize that those were years where I truly honored my need to spend time alone cultivating myself and I hope to regain my ability to do exactly that, without guilt.
It's time that I remember I am worthy of being someone's company - namely my own.
4 comments:
YAY!! i have missed reading your writing and your thoughts.
I always forget that my baby girl is all grown up... until I read something you have written! You are so smart; I am so impressed by your writing abilities.
Aw thanks Mom. :) That means a lot to me!
And you too Renee - I appreciate your readership!
I did comment, Mandy, but guess I didn't do it right. Now I see what to do, I hope. I, too, am so impressed with your writing and your books that you have been reading. I know you have always loved writing and this just shines through with your blog. Have fun with it.
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