One Word

Have you ever played the introduction game where you have to describe yourself using just one word? I've never entirely understood the point of that game because it seems inherently misleading - any word you pick would surely leave out whole aspects of who you really are, and naturally focus on some aspect of yourself that you really (really) like. And yet, for some reason, I was thinking about it this morning on my way to work and trying to determine what word I would choose, at this point in my life, to describe myself.

Several came to mind (a perfect illustration of the issue with selecting just one) - curious, interested, intrigued. I was definitely focusing on an aspect of myself that I really like: my natural instinct to ask (lots and lots of) questions. To wonder not just who, what, where, when but also how, and why and all the details in between.

But then... as I thought about those words... I realized something else. I realized that they also focus on an aspect of myself that I definitely DON'T like - my seemingly constant position as someone who is acted UPON rather than someone who ACTS.

Think about it - curious. Something outside of myself has made me question. Interested. Something outside of myself has drawn my attention. Intrigued. Something has made me wonder. None of them are acting words - interesting (where I am the source of attraction), intriguging (where I am the one causing the wonder).

It's actually one of those annoyingly accurate 'coincidences' which Freud would have said don't exist because this subject-rather-than-source aspect of my personality has been a trait that I have fought against for a while now. Really ever since I began to understand the propensity I have to allow other people to act on or for me, rather than my acting for myself. I have, far too often, allowed myself to feel obligated to ask for permission and be denied something when I should have just reached out and taken it. Even now, as a working, bill-paying adult... even now I do this.

I'm working on it. I'm taking baby steps - reminding myself of little things that I can, and should, do for myself without asking anyone if I can, or should. I'm trying to remind myself to follow my instincts and not to feel guilty about who I am or what I want. I've been doing a good job lately of taking time back for myself - this blog is a good example, my re-dedication to reading, the soon-to-begin painting class.

But in the end, I'm not trying to change how I naturally see myself. I like that I'm curious, that I get interested in all sorts of random things and intrigued by just about darn near anything I don't initially understand. I just want to take those same passive traits and turn them into actions. From being merely interested to being in active pursuit of the interest, in active pursuit of the intrigue.

From being acted upon, to being the source of action.